The Captain’s “Seven Ways to Drop a Plop” guide – for when you’re far, far out at sea.

You won’t read about this slippery subject in any coxswain course. Not even Al McGlashan has covered the “brown business” in any of his 736,586 useful fishing and boating articles. But it’s a predicament every trailer boat owner faces: What do you do when you’re 60km offshore and the bacon and beef servo pie you ate at 4am decides to bottom bash its own way out? It’s time to improvise. Never fear, here’s The Captain’s “Seven Ways to Drop a Plop” guide, for when you’re far, far out at sea.

1. The Cowling Cuddler

If your boat has an outboard, turn the engine off and stand on the cavitation plate. Now cuddle the cowling like a long lost friend while poking your rear-end outwards – then fire at will! Note: you’re better off attempting this manoeuvre in your birthday suit, as your dacks can often cop a bit of friendly fire in the Cowling Cuddler position.

Degree of difficulty: 4.5/5

2. The Submarine

If the current is strong, jump completely into the water, but hang onto a rail or cleat with one hand (you’ll need the other hand free for, er, tasks). Hang on tight so you and the boat don’t part company while you pump out “the bilge”. If you’re doing it right, your body should look just like a submarine with your extended arm resembling the periscope.

Degree of difficulty: 4/5

3. The Snake Charmer

If there isn’t much current the Snake Charmer is a popular option. Just jump into the drink, expose your buttocks and let rip. Warning! Don’t get complacent with this manoeuvre – after you’ve released the slippery snake it can often hang around. Try to maintain visual contact at all times and slowly, er, evacuate the area. Fast movements can often create an underwater vacuum, sucking the dangerous reptile towards you. We’ve heard horror stories of brown snakes crawling up around shoulders, necks – even inside someone’s mouth!

Degree of difficulty: 5/5

4. The Broadside Bomber

A great all-round manoeuvre, the Broadside Bomber involves hanging your broadside over the gunwale or open dive door, and dropping your bomb into the deep blue below. The familiar ‘plop’ will make you feel at home, just make sure you don’t cover the topsides in gunpowder.

Degree of difficulty: 3/5

dive-door-pour

5. The Dive-Door Pour (variation on the Broadside Bomber)

Ideal for when your lower bowel can’t wait any longer or if discretion is desired. Open the dive door to give the impression you’re about to clean a fish. Then swing 180 degrees, crouch and pour like Mr Whippy. Flushing is only a handful of water away.

Degree of difficulty: 4/5

6. The Bucket Blaster

Simple in principle, but with many hidden dangers, the Bucket Blaster is often the first resort for inexperienced trailer boat poopers. On the upside, you don’t get wet or have a bronzie bite your butt. On the downside, you’ll need toilet paper, you’re stinking out the boat and ruining a perfectly good bucket, plus your mates will definitely take photos of you – which will inevitably end up on Facebook.

Degree of difficulty:3/5

bait-tank-stank

7. The Bait Tank Stank

At one time or another, we’ve all been aboard a boat whose owner is an absolute flog – this is the only time it’s acceptable to attempt the Bait Tank Stank. This manoeuvre is simple in principle, but requires covert skills to remain undetected. Create a diversion to keep the owner occupied, open the lid on the bait tank and release your own home-brewed bait bomb into the well.

Degree of difficulty: 5/5